Copyright © 2006 Ed Bagley Here are five more movies you think would be really better than they are, unfortunately for the films, the scripts, the direction, and the actors, they are not. Love Letters ? 1 Star (Terrible) Love Letters is a terrible, terrible, terrible film. One of the five worst films every made among those that give a pretense of actually being good while being awful, compared to those films you know are bad and do not disappoint. This stupid story line has two adults reading letters they sent to each other over their entire life, sitting on tall furniture, gazing down as the past action unfolds. Love Letters is beyond bad.
It butchers a possibly good story line, has poor direction, poor production, poor acting, poor everything. There is not a redeeming quality in this piece of garbage, not even the opening, or credit lines. The film does not even introduce itself, it takes 5 minutes to realize how bad the film really is; after 10 minutes I put Love Letters on fast forward, and it did not get any better in fast forward. Even the dialogue is bad to awful. The only worse movie I can think of ever seeing is "Pat" (the androgynous character on Saturday Night Live), and that movie I expected to be terrible, and it was.
The acting performances in Love Letters were absolutely juvenile, with no depth, no character development, and no delivery worth talking about. These were not 2nd and 3rd rate actors but 8th and 9th rate actors. What a piece of nothing this turned out to be; I was beyond disappointed. I expected a decent attempt at a relationship movie and could not have been more let down.
Monster-in-Law ? 1 Star (Terrible) Monster-in-Law has a lower class girl (Jennifer Lopez) meeting a rich family doctor (Michael Vartan), and a future mother-in-law (Jane Fonda) who decides to drive away the bride, only to do herself in, discovering that the bride has as much backbone as she does. This film is strictly entertainment and humor; there really is no story line as you know who is getting together at the end, and it will all work itself out when the comedy skits are over. I have seen Lopez do a better job in better films, such as Maid in Manhattan. The Fast Runner ? 1 Star (Terrible) The Fast Runner, a foreign film in the Inuktitut language with English subtitles, is about Eskimo life and culture on the tundra in Alaska. I promise you this is not filmmakings' crowning achievement.
It may not even be Eskimo filmmakers' crowning achievement; if it is, Eskimo filmmaking is in serious trouble. The Fast Runner, also known by the title Atanarjuat, goes on and on for 172 minutes (call it 3 hours), which is about 1½ hours too long. Myths and Logic of Shaolin Kung Fu ? 1 Star (Terrible) This film lets you know early on that the best Kung Fu fighting style-Shaolin-comes from the monks in China. The Myths and Logic of Shaolin Kung Fu is a sketchy, historical account of how the monks train and learn to simultaneously become a religious as well as a deadly fighting machine. These future monks begin before age 10 and never really end a lifelong quest to become a master in this fighting style; dividing their time equally between spiritual development and physical prowess.
You will be amazed at the physical skills of these boys before they are 10 years old. Myra Breckenridge ? 1 Star (Terrible) This is Gore Vidal's then (1970) controversial film about Myron Breckenridge, a man who goes to Europe for a sex change operation and comes back as Myra Breckenridge (played by Raquel Welch, who I did not like in the movie), a man-hating woman. It is not clear in the movie if Myra still retains her male parts, not that it is important to the movie, because this film is garbage with no script flow, no message, no acting and an even worse presentation.
Myra Breckenridge had a chance to deliver some information and a message about its theme, but failed miserably. I cannot even begin to imagine what Gore must have been doing when he attempted to write this script. Film efforts like Vidal's do not increase understanding, but encourage prejudice and ignorance about a controversial topic. This is one bad example of filmmaking, and deserves to die a slow death.
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